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Home Articles Self Defense Blog How You Can Help a Friend Survive an Abusive Relationship
How You Can Help a Friend Survive an Abusive Relationship Print E-mail
Written by Shasta Daisy McCarty   
Tuesday, 14 October 2008 21:02
If you have a friend who is caught in the web of an abuser and you want to help her escape you may be wondering what to do. Unless you have been in an abusive relationship yourself, it can be hard to understand what she is going through. At times her actions may seem to make no sense and you could find this frustrating. You will probably feel helpless to make a difference, but there are steps you can take to have a positive impact on your friend’s life situation.

First, listen and don’t judge. Your friend may go through one or more periods of denial about how bad things are at home. She may justify the actions of her spouse or boyfriend and rush to his defense if you offer criticism. Just express concern and try to keep the conversation focused on her. You can mention you have noticed she is experiencing some stress in her relationship, or ask if someone in her life is making her feel afraid or depressed. This may be the first opportunity she has had in a while to really think about what she wants and needs.

During the next phase she will begin to open up and tell you what is actually going on. Some anecdotes may seem bizarre, but remember the abuser has a vested interest in making his victim seem crazy or unreliable. If the level and type of abuse are beyond the ability of decent people to believe, that just plays into his plan. Hearing about extreme cruelty can be traumatizing, so make sure you have a shoulder to lean on during this time. You don’t want to become emotionally exhausted and unable to continue listening.

When your friend is ready to leave the abuser she may need assistance with finances, transportation, child care, lodging, and safety. Try to have some community assistance lined up for her if at all possible so you don’t overextend yourself. If you tell a friend she can come to your house to flee a batterer, you need to be willing to get out the shotgun and stand by the door. Leaving is the most dangerous step for a survivor and if you are putting yourself between a vengeful husband and the person he perceives as his property you should be prepared to handle the outcome.

Above all, don’t give up if your friend returns to her abuser. It sometimes takes multiple efforts to break free for good. An abuser has dozens of effective methods and threats at his disposal to coerce her into coming back. He can sabotage her car, get her fired from her job, cut off access to funds, threaten to harm himself and others, etc. Contrary to popular belief, victims don’t have some twisted "need" to be abused - they just don’t have a lot of other options once they are under the perpetrator’s thumb. Be patient and trust your friend to know when she can leave safely once and for all.
 

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