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Assertiveness Print E-mail
Written by Shasta Daisy McCarty   
Sunday, 29 June 2008 18:00
When we were children our parents warned us about "Stranger Danger". They instructed us not to go anywhere with people we didn’t know, not to talk to them, and not to let them touch us. We weren’t expected to be polite about it either, just to run screaming.

So what changed? Now we are all grown up and it is considered "inappropriate" for us to kick up a fuss about anything. If a stranger asks us where we live, we are expected to hem and haw and try not to be rude. At family reunions we wouldn’t dream of refusing that too long hug from a creepy relative. We use phrases like "I’m sorry." or "I’m afraid not." or "No, thanks." when asked out on dates by a pushy coworker.  I am not sorry about saying no, I am not afraid of rejecting unwanted advances, and I am definitely not thankful for being harassed!

It is time to revisit our notions about what constitutes rude or impolite behavior. I believe it is innapropriate for people to accost me on the street, pry into my personal life, or touch me without permission. I use assertiveness to preserve my boundaries. Read the following anecdote about a friend of mine to see how she did the same.

Mandy* is at the mall. She has finally found the bathrooms and sees that they are situated along a narrow hallway with only one way in and out. The men’s room is halfway down the hall and the women’s is at the very end. A man slips into the hallway behind her. He doesn’t stop at the men’s door but continues down the hallway behind Mandy toward the women’s room. She turns and looks him dead in the eye. "What do you want?" She yells. The man turns and runs back into the mall.

Mandy told me later that the following thoughts flashed through her mind in the moment before she decided to turn and confront the man. "He’s just walking along minding his own business, right? Maybe he is part of the maintenance staff. Maybe he just misread the bathroom signs."

Fortunately, she listened to her instincts instead of her doubts. An unknown man was following her into a secluded place where he had no business being. He thought she was an easy mark; he thought wrong.

Assertiveness is not just a personality trait that some people are "born with". It is a skill and you can begin learning to stand up for yourself at any time. Here are some tips:

  • Believe that you are worthy of being treated in a respectful manner
  • Recall times in the past when people have crossed your boundaries and role play how you wish you had reacted in those situations
  • Write down useful phrases you invented during the exercise above and memorize them for later use
  • Find a private place and practice talking loudly, yelling, and even screaming
  • Start making brief, neutral eye contact with every person you see
  • Say no the next time you are asked to volunteer to do something you really dislike (trust me, they will find someone else to fill in)

Honor your instincts and remember that if you make a mistake by being too assertive the worst that can happen is that you will hurt someone’s feelings.
 

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